I cannot get a clear head.
Not sure when it got cloudy again.  Sometime last week I guess.  I thought it was because of my period, but I'm not entirely sure.  I cried a lot a couple weekends ago, and this passed weekend I was really angry.  I get mad at my husband but I don't say anything about it because it is probably irrational because I know I don't have a clear head right now.  He isn't here right now.  There isn't anyone here right now.  My mom isn't here right now.  She isn't here at all.  She died.  Some say her spirit is flying all around me and some say that she is in heaven look down upon me.  Some say that I will see her again when I die.  Please don't let me forget what my momma looks like.  I walk around my lonely house and I don't understand what has happened the past year.  This time last year, she was still alive doing radiation treatments.

I told myself I wasn't going to get mad at any of the students this year.  I was just going to let it roll off of my back.  Well, I didn't.  I got very angry during the fire drill and gave a slew of detentions to these disrespectful boys.  I am hoping that tomorrow is a better day with a clearer head.

Slippin'

This was a difficult weekend for me.   Sometimes grieving isn't over even when you think it is.

I just don't want to forget her.  I reply things in my mind so they can stay fresh because I don't want to forget her at all.  I really miss her and I feel like I'm choking on my breath.

I have never been religious, but I understand why people need it.  I understand why people want to believe that when they die, they get to see their family again.  I would love it if it was a guarantee that when I died, I would get to see my mom again.  It's not a guarantee.  No one really knows what happens when you die.

If there is a heaven, my mom is there.  I can envision her jumping around like she used to at the Banning Road house.  She used to exercise with this flimsy, turquoise t-shirt, underwear, and tennis shoes.  She would be running through the house talking and bouncing around---poofy hair flying around.  She would be jumping around saying how good she feels and taking deep breaths.  "I can breathe, I can breathe!!"  I can picture her saying that.  I wonder what you look like if there is a heaven and you are sent there.  I always envisioned it that you felt your best.  My mom always told me she felt her best in her 40s.

I think about the day she died and her last breaths.  Could she hear us?  I was glad that I talked to her a lot a few days before she became unconscious.  I wish I could have understood the words she was saying to me.  I could understand her sometimes, but it was hard.

I have done a good job enjoying my life everyday like she told me to, but right now I am so incredibly sad because she isn't here.