Slippin'

This was a difficult weekend for me.   Sometimes grieving isn't over even when you think it is.

I just don't want to forget her.  I reply things in my mind so they can stay fresh because I don't want to forget her at all.  I really miss her and I feel like I'm choking on my breath.

I have never been religious, but I understand why people need it.  I understand why people want to believe that when they die, they get to see their family again.  I would love it if it was a guarantee that when I died, I would get to see my mom again.  It's not a guarantee.  No one really knows what happens when you die.

If there is a heaven, my mom is there.  I can envision her jumping around like she used to at the Banning Road house.  She used to exercise with this flimsy, turquoise t-shirt, underwear, and tennis shoes.  She would be running through the house talking and bouncing around---poofy hair flying around.  She would be jumping around saying how good she feels and taking deep breaths.  "I can breathe, I can breathe!!"  I can picture her saying that.  I wonder what you look like if there is a heaven and you are sent there.  I always envisioned it that you felt your best.  My mom always told me she felt her best in her 40s.

I think about the day she died and her last breaths.  Could she hear us?  I was glad that I talked to her a lot a few days before she became unconscious.  I wish I could have understood the words she was saying to me.  I could understand her sometimes, but it was hard.

I have done a good job enjoying my life everyday like she told me to, but right now I am so incredibly sad because she isn't here.