well. . .

So I started taking Zoloft in January.  It was for the sole purpose of taking care of my mom without freaking out.  As it is August, and she died in February, I am still on the Zoloft, and I don't want to get off of it.

I am a better person while on this medication.  I am so positive about life.  I don't get mad easily.  If I do get angry, I am able to let it go quickly instead of letting it stew.  Everything is fun that used to be scary:  rides at Cedar Point, flying in an airplane, talking in front of a large group of people, sitting as a passenger in a car. . .

I am a better teacher on this medication.  I have more patience.  I smile more.  I am more sensitive with the kids.   I don't take their misbehavior personally.  I am able to let things go that the kids do, and I don't think of it as a personal attack.

I am a better wife on this medication.  I am not angry at stupid things that don't mean anything.  I can let things go if we have an argument.  I smile more and more affectionate.  I don't cry as much and I don't have irrational thoughts.

So what's the problem?  I just feel like an ass because I cannot be this way without a stupid pill.  As I took it to take care of anxiety with my mom dying, it fixed other things.  It made me the person I've always wanted to be.  I don't want to go off of it because I know the person without this pill. . . and she is a HOT MESS.  I don't want to be that person again.  This person is crabby, annoyed all day, angry, sad, hostel, and other things I will not mention.  This person is also unsure, not confident, nervous, anxious, and hateful.  I love the way I am right now.  I love walking into work and being an optimist.  This is not me naturally.  Naturally, I am a pessimist and a depressant.  A "Debbie Downer" if you will.  I look in the mirror and I love the way I look.  I love every second of my life, and I know that the person without this pill doesn't care about life.  I used to say awful things. . . .I won't even go there.  It makes me sick.  Watching my mom die. . . .being on Zoloft. . . . I just want to live, live, live.  I want everyday to be happy and full of love and passion and music and teaching and food and friends. . . .I don't want everyday to be a drag, dark, cloudy, dismal. . . . .depressed.

I know that on the Zoloft, I feel less.  For me, this might be good right now.  From October 2010 until about June 2011, I have cried so much.  I don't want to cry anymore.  I haven't felt like crying since I got back from Emerald Isle.  I was sad for most of the vacation, and on my way home in the car, I was fighting back so many tears. . . . but something snapped back when I returned and the whole month of July and August has been the most amazing 2 months I've ever had in my 33 years of living.  I know that is silly, but it was. . . .and that feeling keeps going.  I don't want it to go away. . . .it will be a tragedy if it goes away. . . That is why I never want to go off of it.  And I'm sad that this isn't the real me.  This is a "Zoloft-ed" version of me. . . and I love this person so much.  The regular me. . . . .so unpleasant.

I know I cannot be on this pill forever.  If I ever want to have a baby, I have to get off of it.  I hate to say it, but I'd rather stay on it than have a baby that is how good I feel.  I know a lot of people think these pills are fake or they don't work. . . . well it has worked for me.  It is not in my head.  Ask the people the know me.  I really don't think they are scared of me anymore.  Except for my friend Joe because he is always scared of me.