It has been awhile. . .

It has been awhile since I have had the urge to write anything.  Mostly it is because I feel so alive.  I look around everyday at my surroundings no matter where I am and I just am thankful that I am alive and healthy.  I am visiting one of my best, awesome, kickass friends here in Oregon and I have been laughing non-stop.  This laughter is better than any grief counselor session.  We ate stupid over here.  Burping, farting, watching Twilight Saga, dancing in the car, clapping our hands loudly, saying things like, "He's hot" "He's unattractive", basically I'm 15 years old here, and I'm completely good with that.  Sometimes I think that I will never grow up the way I should.  I don't care because my mom was the same way.  My mom's laughter rings through my head and I laugh because she isn't here to laugh with me.  Since my mom died. . .we are going on almost 6 months ago. . . .my heart has opened to the point that it may burst with love and happiness for being alive.  The only thing that sucks is that my mom had to die for me to feel this way.  But my eyes are open, my heart is open, and I am here. . . I am alive.  For years I have been covered with a blanket of negativity. . . I just always felt so sour.  My life is beautiful, my life is amazing.  I have so much fun in my life.  I am so lucky.  I am thankful for everything I have.  I don't know if there is a heaven. . . I am not religious. . . but I hope there is.  I hope when I die, I can see my mom again somehow, and she will remember me.  We will laugh together again like we used to do.  I would sit on her bed and tell her everything about what was going on in my life. . . .and I always would make her laugh.  Laughter is so important to me.  I am thankful for the happiness I have been feeling lately.  I hope it never goes away.