well. . .

So I started taking Zoloft in January.  It was for the sole purpose of taking care of my mom without freaking out.  As it is August, and she died in February, I am still on the Zoloft, and I don't want to get off of it.

I am a better person while on this medication.  I am so positive about life.  I don't get mad easily.  If I do get angry, I am able to let it go quickly instead of letting it stew.  Everything is fun that used to be scary:  rides at Cedar Point, flying in an airplane, talking in front of a large group of people, sitting as a passenger in a car. . .

I am a better teacher on this medication.  I have more patience.  I smile more.  I am more sensitive with the kids.   I don't take their misbehavior personally.  I am able to let things go that the kids do, and I don't think of it as a personal attack.

I am a better wife on this medication.  I am not angry at stupid things that don't mean anything.  I can let things go if we have an argument.  I smile more and more affectionate.  I don't cry as much and I don't have irrational thoughts.

So what's the problem?  I just feel like an ass because I cannot be this way without a stupid pill.  As I took it to take care of anxiety with my mom dying, it fixed other things.  It made me the person I've always wanted to be.  I don't want to go off of it because I know the person without this pill. . . and she is a HOT MESS.  I don't want to be that person again.  This person is crabby, annoyed all day, angry, sad, hostel, and other things I will not mention.  This person is also unsure, not confident, nervous, anxious, and hateful.  I love the way I am right now.  I love walking into work and being an optimist.  This is not me naturally.  Naturally, I am a pessimist and a depressant.  A "Debbie Downer" if you will.  I look in the mirror and I love the way I look.  I love every second of my life, and I know that the person without this pill doesn't care about life.  I used to say awful things. . . .I won't even go there.  It makes me sick.  Watching my mom die. . . .being on Zoloft. . . . I just want to live, live, live.  I want everyday to be happy and full of love and passion and music and teaching and food and friends. . . .I don't want everyday to be a drag, dark, cloudy, dismal. . . . .depressed.

I know that on the Zoloft, I feel less.  For me, this might be good right now.  From October 2010 until about June 2011, I have cried so much.  I don't want to cry anymore.  I haven't felt like crying since I got back from Emerald Isle.  I was sad for most of the vacation, and on my way home in the car, I was fighting back so many tears. . . . but something snapped back when I returned and the whole month of July and August has been the most amazing 2 months I've ever had in my 33 years of living.  I know that is silly, but it was. . . .and that feeling keeps going.  I don't want it to go away. . . .it will be a tragedy if it goes away. . . That is why I never want to go off of it.  And I'm sad that this isn't the real me.  This is a "Zoloft-ed" version of me. . . and I love this person so much.  The regular me. . . . .so unpleasant.

I know I cannot be on this pill forever.  If I ever want to have a baby, I have to get off of it.  I hate to say it, but I'd rather stay on it than have a baby that is how good I feel.  I know a lot of people think these pills are fake or they don't work. . . . well it has worked for me.  It is not in my head.  Ask the people the know me.  I really don't think they are scared of me anymore.  Except for my friend Joe because he is always scared of me.

It has been awhile. . .

It has been awhile since I have had the urge to write anything.  Mostly it is because I feel so alive.  I look around everyday at my surroundings no matter where I am and I just am thankful that I am alive and healthy.  I am visiting one of my best, awesome, kickass friends here in Oregon and I have been laughing non-stop.  This laughter is better than any grief counselor session.  We ate stupid over here.  Burping, farting, watching Twilight Saga, dancing in the car, clapping our hands loudly, saying things like, "He's hot" "He's unattractive", basically I'm 15 years old here, and I'm completely good with that.  Sometimes I think that I will never grow up the way I should.  I don't care because my mom was the same way.  My mom's laughter rings through my head and I laugh because she isn't here to laugh with me.  Since my mom died. . .we are going on almost 6 months ago. . . .my heart has opened to the point that it may burst with love and happiness for being alive.  The only thing that sucks is that my mom had to die for me to feel this way.  But my eyes are open, my heart is open, and I am here. . . I am alive.  For years I have been covered with a blanket of negativity. . . I just always felt so sour.  My life is beautiful, my life is amazing.  I have so much fun in my life.  I am so lucky.  I am thankful for everything I have.  I don't know if there is a heaven. . . I am not religious. . . but I hope there is.  I hope when I die, I can see my mom again somehow, and she will remember me.  We will laugh together again like we used to do.  I would sit on her bed and tell her everything about what was going on in my life. . . .and I always would make her laugh.  Laughter is so important to me.  I am thankful for the happiness I have been feeling lately.  I hope it never goes away.