"Life is beautiful."

One thing that has changed about me is that I really have realized how wonderful being alive is.  I know that I have not enjoyed life as much as I should.  As I watched my mom deteriorate, I watched her not able to eat even though she wanted to eat.  Eventually, she lost the desire to eat.  It made me feel bad for every time I wouldn't eat something because I was trying to watch my weight. . . . . what a joke.  My mom weighed probably under 100 pounds.  She looked like skin and bone, and honestly, you could see her lungs through her chest.  I am not exaggerating.  If I want a cheeseburger, I'm going to eat it.  I don't know when the time will come where I want that cheeseburger and I would probably kick myself that I didn't eat it.  If I want cheesecake, I'm ordering it!  Consider it me eating for my mom.  Like a "toast" if you will.  My belly jiggles and I look like crap in a bikini.  When I exercise, it is not to lose weight.  It is to release my sadness.  It is to trigger those endorphins so that I can cleanse myself of this heaviness.  When I exercise by doing that hip-hop class, LatinMIX, or Zumba, I am genuinely having so much fun.  I am observing how effortlessly I can move and learn the dances taught to me and I am thankful for every minute that I can do this.  I don't care how many calories are lost. . . .I am moving because I am so happy that I can.  Everything simple like cooking, going to the bathroom, chewing, walking down the hallway. . . . etc., I am thankful I can do it all.  This jiggly belly fat that I used to feel was the end of the world. . . it's not.  It is fine.  When I reflect on what I have done so far as a 33 year old woman, I have done some pretty amazing stuff.  My mom used to tell me all the time that she couldn't believe I was her daughter because I was always so strong.  Now, at times when I am feeling so weak, I close my eyes and I hear her telling me how proud she is of me and that I am strong.  I may feel pain inside for the rest of my life, but I definitely know now that life is beautiful.  Food is amazing, dancing is amazing, using your body is amazing.  It is all amazing.